That sick, sucking, despondent gloominess has gotten over me
again. Yet again! I am not at all happy. I just cannot recollect the last time
I was laughing out heartily. I don’t understand how I have gotten myself into
this energy sucking deep quagmire. No matter I do anything, I do not seem to
find a way out of this crap. There are ample things to bother me all the time.
I had been in situations akin, in the past, but never this long. I am bleeding
since the dawn of this year, and the worrying fact is that respite is not in
sight.
I am miffed with the decisions I have taken this year. The decision to call it quits with my
previous organization. The decision to change the job at any cost. The decision
to join the current organization. The decision to not listen to anyone. The decision
that my decisions are correct.
This one bad decision I took, to change my job, is sucking
all the energy in me. I am weighed down and defeated by the circumstances it
has brought on its back.
What have I lost? A promising career, a rewarding appraisal,
happy times with my family and friends, and the most important of all, peace of
mind.
What have I gained? Emotional trauma, more white hairs,
fights with everyone, gloominess, irascibility.
I feel like kicking myself for taking such a lunatic step.
But well, the truth is, if I ever knew it
would be so bad, would I ever make such decision? Am I making any great
money being away from my family? Nope! I remember this guy in my previous
employment, who said that I am changing my job only for the lust of money.
Money! What lust for money, you moron? Where is the money? Whatever I am
earning is just enough for a basic lifestyle in this Financial Capital of
India.
The office I work here is filled with leeches. People are
filled to the core with ego. No one wants to help anyone and try all the
treacherous ways to pull down someone. I am irritated to go to such antagonistic
work culture, but there is no other go. I have to sit beside shit-faced people,
work with them, bear their mood swings, but still accomplish the work I am
assigned. Who do I go and complain to? My boss wants just results; he doesn’t bother
what I am going through. How badly am I missing my boss in my previous org!
I want to meet God and question Him. I would put Him to trial;
ask Him to defend Himself for what all He has done to me. I never got what I
wanted! Oh, should I say, You never gave me what I wanted? I wanted to be a
basket ball player, but I was only left passing the ball to Anand, who went on
to become a state level player. I wanted to get into IIT, and despite my best
efforts twice, I didn’t even qualify. I wanted to get into Infosys, but now,
for the rest of my life I cannot get in there. Neither did I graduate in flying
colours from B.E., nor did I get into the IIMs. What the heck is going on in my
life? How much more do You want me to endure? Compromise with everything in my
life? I am a loser; a loser who is better off being a loser rather than the
fight the situations around, because I know that I ain’t gonna win a thing. I
feel like shrieking at the top of my voice, “I am not at all happy”. Will my
pursuit for happiness ever end?
